So instead of writing my paper outline, or memorizing my 5 paper outlines for my class tomorrow (whatever p/np), I'm writing here. Procrastinator! You'll notice that I've been incessantly posting this week. Probably because it's finals ....eeeeeeeee

Whatever!

Funny thing about this blog; more people read it than I think. Because everytime I'm like "hey... so this one time..." someone's like "OH YEAH, I read it on your blog!" And I'm like "oooookay, wow I didn't know you cared/were THAT bored!" The best part is many many of my closest friends don't read it (some have almost religious beliefs against blogs/xangas/ljs.. these are mostly my home friends).

------had cheesy entry here, I deeeeeleeeeted it cause it was saaaaad ----

Arena (known to self and others) timid, insecure, withdrawn, overdramatic	Blind Spot (known only to others) vulgar, lethargic, cynical, distant, childish, chaotic, embarrassed, loud, panicky, rash, dispassionate, foolish
Façade (known only to self) glum, selfish	Unknown (known to nobody) incompetent, intolerant, inflexible, cowardly, violent, aloof, stupid, simple, irresponsible, hostile, unhappy, unhelpful, needy, unimaginative, inane, brash, cruel, ignorant, irrational, boastful, blasé, imperceptive, impatient, weak, vacuous, unethical, insensitive, self-satisfied, passive, smug, dull, predictable, callous, inattentive, unreliable, cold, humourless

Dominant Traits

66% of people think that JCZect is cynical

All Percentages

incompetent (0%) intolerant (0%) inflexible (0%) timid (33%) cowardly (0%) violent (0%) aloof (0%) glum (0%) stupid (0%) simple (0%) insecure (50%) irresponsible (0%) vulgar (16%) lethargic (16%) withdrawn (33%) hostile (0%) selfish (0%) unhappy (0%) unhelpful (0%) cynical (66%) needy (0%) unimaginative (0%) inane (0%) brash (0%) cruel (0%) ignorant (0%) irrational (0%) distant (16%) childish (33%) boastful (0%) blasé (0%) imperceptive (0%) chaotic (16%) impatient (0%)

Arena (known to self and others) accepting, intelligent, nervous, shy, silly	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, bold, caring, clever, complex, dependable, energetic, friendly, helpful, independent, ingenious, kind, mature, responsive, searching, self-conscious, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) reflective	Unknown (known to nobody) adaptable, brave, calm, cheerful, confident, dignified, extroverted, giving, happy, idealistic, introverted, knowledgeable, logical, loving, modest, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, spontaneous

Dominant Traits

81% of people agree that JCZect is intelligent
54% of people agree that JCZect is silly
54% of people think that JCZect is witty

All Percentages

able (9%) accepting (36%) adaptable (0%) bold (9%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (9%) cheerful (0%) clever (9%) complex (18%) confident (0%) dependable (9%) dignified (0%) energetic (9%) extroverted (0%) friendly (45%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (9%) idealistic (0%) independent (18%) ingenious (9%) intelligent (81%) introverted (0%) kind (18%) knowledgeable (0%) logical (0%) loving (0%) mature (9%) modest (0%) nervous (18%) observant (0%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (9%) searching (27%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (36%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (9%) silly (54%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (9%) tense (9%) trustworthy (9%) warm (27%) wise (9%) witty (54%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 13.5.2006, using data from 11 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view JCZect's full data.

Jenny is a puss day

so randomly ran into Theresa and Grace today, and they were like "Augusten Burroughs int he Castro! COME!" So I was like "ummm, i'm sick, i have to study, etc etc etc." but I actually went. Got on the bart. But then my stomach started acting up and my limbs stopped working, so uh, i came back. But SHIT, it's Augusten BURROUGHS. I LOVE the guy. I feel like such a douche, but then again, as I'm sitting here typing this, I actually can't really move my limbs other than my fingers, so going to the castro for the rest of the night probably would've been a bad idea as well.

I'm really bummed about it actually. My one chance to be spontaneous! :( Buuut I wasn't. I was lame.com, but i was also legitimately sick.

ee double-u

On my way back, i tried to get on the the 7, but it was leaving. A couple of high school kids behind me were like "SHIT! HEY!" and helped me try to get the bus' attention. When it didn't work they yelled "HIT THE BUS!" Um, I'm Jenny Chen. I don't hit anything (ok, buddies, I know what you're thinking, drop it), even buses. So I just stood there waving my arms frantically. "JESUS! JUST HIT IT!" the kids yelled again. So um, I tapped politely on the bus door. It opened. I got in looking sheepish.


That was way too much adventure for me in one day,
The end.

Wah, I'm lame.

Whining yay!

So.... remember how I typed "my stomach hurts" in the last entry?

it was kinda just a little nagging thing when I was going on with my stream of conciousness.

Turned out I got a 24 hour type flu thingie. So basically I missed class for the entirety of monday, oh yay. Aaaaand I'm missing class now too. Urgh........

gut wrenching pain!

Wooooooo

So I'm procrastinating by reading a really really sad blog written by someone I've never even met. By sad, I don't mean, little puppy got run over by a car sad. I mean, sad as in, "are you actually going to wear that?" sad.

My stomach hurts.

I'm working on my personal statement and it's coming out as CRAP.

...
More procrastination by drinking beer and eating Pops with Jojo.
...

Now onto more procrastination with an episode of 24! Oh gawd.

lalalaal procrastinating from writing my personal statement or studying for my fiiiiiinals.

So it's been a pretty fun week.

Thursday I went w/ Alex, Brenden and Amy to a Men's Octet show. They were soooo good as usual. I've seen everything they've performed, but I still liked it. If they perform Moulin Rouge or Bohemian Rhapsody again though, I'll cry (before I typed "cry" I had "shoot myself in the face" then "vomit", I finally decided to tone it down to "cry"). After that I had boba, then went to a bar lounge thing Mike and Brian, which was fun, but too bad there weren't too many people there. Still, it was nice to spend time with friends.

Friday Had lunch w/ Ethan, then went to the UCCE Choral show (I realllllly liked it. I think it was my fave choral show of them all, actually), then saw a modern dance (not jazz) thing with some people.


BLAH so blogger fucked up my entry. now I'm all bitter.

ARGH I'm a PIRATE

So today went and tutored the kids. I only have a few weeks left, but they're SO CUTE. I'll miss tutoring my little 1st graders. :(

Hospital was okay. Today was employee appreciation day or whatever, so everyone got a free hot dog. I finished mine in less than a minute. mmmmm....

It's funny, actually. one of my friends a few months back compared how I dealt with love/relationships/whatever to how I eat. I scarf everything down all too fast, just like how I move too fast with most (if not all) people I've dated. If you've seen me eat, you'll notice that I scarf everything down with big bites and swallows. I can't help it! It's good! Of course, then i finish before everyone else, and sit there glaring resentfully at everyone. Maybe it's just coincidence, but my friend joked that from now on whenever she goes on a date, she's gunna watch how they eat. "If they eat like you, I'm gunna stay away from them. They might be a sleazeball" She said with a grin. So I'm a sleazeball. *sheepish* Little Jenny CHEN, A SLEAZEBALL.

If you want to take this metaphor even further, I also overeat. Several people can testify to this. I see something good, I'll eat and I'll eat and I'll eat until it hurts. It's happened several times that I end up lying in the car/bed/ground moaning "URRRRGHHHH WHY DID I DO THAT?" Or sometimes I'll go "God I'm full.... are you gunna eat that?" I just see (good) food and I EAT. It's like my instinct. Don't know where THIS metaphor goes (and I'm usually good at making far-fetched comparisons).

From 1/6/06, it was here earlier, but then got deleted, and now it's back, apparently by popular demand. OOOOH. It's Jenny being a bitch. OOOOOH.


vI hate douchebags

So today was pretty good for the most part, except I got a little stressed in the afternoon, and then I hated everyone. But it was all good after I napped.

Note to people who don't know me from high school or roomed with me in college: You fuck with my naps, I'll eat your firstborn child, I swear to God.

Then me and Mel attempted to go to Green Temple, but they hate us and are closed until I leave. Boo. So we had Mexican food yay.

But here's where the fun starts. We went to Coffee Cartel with Mel's friend Aaron from Tufts . THe coffee place is this chic little independent beach city coffee shop where people can go and feel that they're cool, cause they're not buying from Starbucks-damn-the-man.

Then followed a poetry reading, which was like, oh this is pretty sweet. But then there was this chick wearing a trucker's hat who kept on trying to buddy buddy and be all cool with the old poetry people. She kept on saying stupid-ass things like "Oh, haha, Larry is as punk rock as I am." She kept on saying how punk rock she was, wearing her grandfather's trucker's hat.

Gosh, you're SOOOO punk rock. you're SO rebellious, hanging out at a rich people's coffee shop, drinking expensive independent coffee ($1.60 for a cup of green tea, wtf), with your independent friends, your independent trucker's hat, and your independent emo poetry.

And she kept on interrupting other readers' introductions with "OH, that's my friend. Haha he's so cool. Wow he's DOWN with poetry. That's so cool!" REALLY loudly so everyone can hear her. Okay, that's cool, you're down with the old dude and the angry white boy with dreadlocks, that's nice, do we really care? Must you announce it to the world? "I have friends, really! Look, I'm being loud and obnoxious and embarassing the hell out of them all!"

I guess I can't really convey how obnoxious she was, but she seriously had something to say every 5 minutes. And really loudly too, like, she wants everyone to know how cool she is. And she kept on going, "Oh, grandpa, my poetry's really really vulgar, so like, you know, watch out! I'm soooo edgy. I'm talking about sex in front of a bunch of 50 year olds (and yours truly), I'm soooo REBELLIOUS! I'm breaking ALL THE RULES" Note: Her grandpa was in the audience.

So finally came her turn to read. You know, most people introduce themselves with 2 or 3 sentences, she kept on rambling ON and ON and ON and ON. Not really anything interesting, but just about how "LA boys don't like me" and "I meet boys on the MUNI" and "Oh my father was NEVER there for me, and I brought his guitar here as a symbolic representation blah blah blah", "I keep on falling for artists, god my heart's soooo broken."

Honey, it's not LA boys don't like you. Boys don't like you. PEOPLE don't like you. Yeah yeah? Your heart's broken? POOR MOTHERFUCKER. Join the damn club. Wow, your rich father neglected you? Awww, well at least he's still paying for your tuition. You brat.

And you know what's the worst part? She goes to Cal. And she keeps on going on and on about it. She's a freshman at Berkeley, and how hip and down she is cause she goes to Cal. Wow, she's SUCH an individual. Honey, you and the 50,000 plus population at Berkeley. You ain't special, get over yourself.

So finally we get to her poetry. Which is basically bad slam poetry. Like, can anyone our age do anything OTHER than slam poetry? In slam poetry's defense, I actually like it, but there's waaaay too many angry rich kids who think that they can be the next Eminem or some bullshit by writing angsty slam poetry. There are a LOT of good slam poetry, though, but let's just say hers doesn't quite meet the par. This is basically what it is (I think some of it is verbatim, but this was about almost 6 hours ago):

You reached into my ribcage
and ripped out my HEART! HEAAAART!
with blood dripping out as my heart got torn
still beating from my chest
Why don't you care about me?

Ok, you guys see what I mean?

Then she was like "Oh, whatever, you can leave. You have legs, you can leave if you don't like my poetry. I don't care. Whatever. You're just offended. You're just a square." But (as Mel said) you know she's actually saying "please don't leave, I need your validation. I need you guys here to make me feel like people actually like me and care about me because I'm a BIG ATTENTION WHORE."

We left after 2 poems. It was getting a bit much. I guess I was offended by her total lack of talent.

Rewatching The 40-Year Old Virgin then having a midnight pancake run refreshed me, though.

I guess part of me hates her cause we are kinda alike with the whole whine-bitch-complain mode. I also do the "oooh look, I'm so cool by association with my awesome friends" thing, though I hope I don't do it to the extent that chick was pullin' (As in announcing it in a coffee shop filled with strangers with a scratchy prepubescent boy's voice). I'm glad I never took my bad poetry to the coffee shop, though.


Anyway, that's my silly little rant. Stupid Cal emo chicks (with trucker hats) who write bad slam poetry upset me. Just a little.

Well, I WAS going to study and then go to class, but I got distracted by my blog.

Except I really have nothing to say.

Oh, well, small MCAT party thingie on Saturday. Went well. Thanks to everyone who came.

Hmmmm....

I talk too loudly when I'm on the cell phone. But I'm not the only one guilty of that.

Uh, yeah.

That's all I got.

I'm still coughing. I've been coughing this entire semester. This is really really kind of worrisome for me. Not sure what's going on, but will see a doc after finals.

Need to write my personal statement. And suddenly realizing for all my blathering, I really have nothing meaningful to say.


YAY!

Uncharacteristic optimism for the past month, what's going on?

My life's going well, as usual. MCAT's finally over, and although I don't think I did great, life's ok still. It's just one of many tests that I'll be taking, figurtively and literally I guess.

So my boss offered me a promotion and a raise (if she gets her grant *prays*). Haha, a month ago I thought they weren't even going to take me back nor write me a rec letter! Silly me. I guess I always assume the worst. (Sometimes I'm right! but not usually, thankfully).

I was talking about this with several of my friends recently... we're all: Excited for new things to happen. Kind of sad that we'll be leaving in a year. It went by so fast! The freshmen are so young! Were we ever like that? We all changed a LOT since we've first met/1st year. I'm worried about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I hope I figure it out.

-- and now, good old fashioned Jenny bitching

My downstairs neighbor was having domestic issues. At 1 AM in the morning I heard her screaming downstairs at someone in another language, then "I hate you! I loved you!" in English. Then hysterical sobbing. Then high pitched wailing. I hate to say it, and this'll sound horribly insensitive, but I kind of just wanted her to shut up. I really wanted to sleep, since I've only been getting 5 hours of sleep every night. Keep in mind that this was the girl who played loud techno at 3 AM in the morning all fall semester, yelled at me when I asked her to turn it down ("I can do whatever I want!"), and busted up me and Joey's house warming party for being too loud, can we say "hypocritical"? I mean, sucks, she must feel like crap, and it's a shitty feeling, but I can't muster much sympathy for someone with whom I've had such negative contact. Sorry, I'm not that much of a saint. So I stuck in some earplugs and fell asleep.

Actually, where I live, I always unintentionally end up listening to lots of breakup fights outside my apartment. Several times I've had a random girl cry hysterically outside my window, or I would hear an angry breakup conversation. My room is where relationships go to die. Still, it's interesting how people get so wrapped up that they don't realize that other people could be listening (or rather, forced to listen). I guess it can be pretty embarassing once you realize it.

DONE

Well, that's over. It went well, or okay. No surprises. Basically the same that I've been doing all along, so i kinda already know what to expect on the score. *knocks on wood for 5000th time*

Funny thing tho, before my one hour lunch break, the proctor said "for the next section, black pens ONLY." So I was like yeah, whatever, but during lunch I checked my bag for black pens.

I found only blue pens.
Fuck.
AH! Found a black pen... no ink.
Fuck.
Student store was closed.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Later: Found black pen, crisis averted.

Sorry that was the most exciting thing that happened.

Other than that:

Thanks to everyone for even just wishing me good luck. It meant a lot, I know it sounds stupid, but it did make me feel more confident. I was surprised at how many people actually said something at all. And obviously thanks to my best friends for pep talks, driving me around, and keeping me from freaking out.

This is sentimental of me, but my friends are really giving people, and I think I take that for granted sometimes.

Thank you.

Alright, I sound like an Oscar acceptance speech. I'm going to go before they cut to the commerical break now.

Reflecting:

Wow, I'm really happy, evne though my MCAT's on Saturday. My scores aren't where I want them to be, but I guess that's the best I can do, and what can ya ask for? For some reason, I'm strangely content with life. Again. I mean, I'm stressed, but happy. Shrug!

Got all my recommendations in (almost), that's sweet. I even got someone offering to write me one out of the blue! Ain't that awesome?

I chatted w/ my volunteering supervisor for like an hour today. I haven't been that excited discussing something with someone for a while - I was almost late meeting my prof because of it. We talked about racism, prejudice within the same race, med school, socially incompetant PhD candidates, hypersexualized culture, learning disabilities, funding, class divide... yeah, it went EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I forget how much I ramble, and how much I liked hearing other people's opinions.

Grade-wise, the midterm I bitched about a few weeks back (about missing that problem), turned out I got a 94-95%. That was one of 2 things I missed on the test. Wow! That turned out nicely.

Not sure if I'll have time this summer for video games. Hopefully I won't, actually, cause it'll mean I'm busy, and I like being busy. I like stress. That's what I realized. I like thinking "shit, I should go without food tonight because I need to study" or "I have no time to unwind." (that way, when you actually do unwind, it's like heaven). I like stress! I'm a stress puppy.

I need to buy:
toothpaste
toilet paper (we've been using tissues, sadly)
printer paper
do laundry (ok fine, it's not something to buy)
conditioner
power bars for sat.

I've bitten off more than I can chew, but,
Can I have a slice of lime with that?

Ohhhh Jenny's not allowed to post late night ramblings anymore.

Wow I just felt my shoulder (where I'm hurtin),

it's SO swollen.

I can't even feel my bone (I can feel it on the other side).

So MCAT is coming up in little more than a week. A little stressed.

Things are going well, in the sense that nothing's really happening, but med school applications, MCATs etc etc all coming up, it's very stressful but at the same time it's really exciting.

This summer's gunna be rad cause nearly all of my friends will be up here. It should be cool.

Currently ants have infiltrated my room, and they need to be taken care of. I spray them to death with windex.

I didn't get any work done tonight, cause I kept on finding excuses to distract myself.

My back's REALLY messed up. It hurts to move, sometimes.

I have 6 pages of my 12 page paper done. GO JENNY CHEN GO GO.

Psh. Whatever. weren't worth half a dime. :) Otherwise known as a nickel.

So riduculously stressed right now, but not going to write my problems down cause that'll only cause me to stress further and make me look like a whiny bitch.

Instead, i'm going to praise the lawd for such a great life.

I killed a two flies today -very proud of myself as a fly murderer.

I've also killed serveral hundred ants with windex.

...

I've come to terms with my awkwardness. Now I'll just wait until the rest of the world does. :) I'll be waiting a while.

Jen "I make people uncomfortable" Chen

So I graded some of my own practice MCATs today... I think I did ok. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can pull it up even more :)

It's kinda funny, actually, I look at the difficulty guide of the questions, and, of the questions I miss, I almost always only miss "easy" and "medium" and I almost never miss a hard question. (the test is mostly medium's and hard's). This reminds me of just how I am on normal tests too ever since I started taking tests, I always missed the "DUH" questions. That's kind how I am in life, too, but I blame that on my social incompetence.

I'm not big on common sense, as many of you may know.

I've been reading a lot too, mostly just fun stuff by Augusten Burroughs and graphic novels (yeah, whatever. Judge all you like). But I think maybe next semester, or over the summer, I think maybe I'll tackle Ulysses or something hard to read.

Summer looks good. I got my old job back at UCSF with the same awesome people; I probably will go backpacking a lot (hopefully) with Alex and Brenden (I'm holding you guys to it), and some canoeing too, maybe with coworkers or friends. I'll be applying to med school, assuming everything goes well, although I still have to ask my professors. GULP. (And I have to come up with a meaningful personal statement - eeeeee). I'll also be taking an acting class too! Imagine that. Me.

Of course, if I have time... You know what time it is....
KINGDOM HEARTS II TIME! VIDEO GAMES VIDEO GAMES VIDEO GAMES! TO HELL WITH A SOCIAL LIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have no idea how distraught I was when I walked by EB Games and saw all these awesome games out, but I can't play them because I'm so damn busy.

Good mood. Brunch now.

ARGH

So I finished taking a midterm this morning. Felt pretty good about it - pretty confident.

about an hour ago, I took a nap. Then all of the sudden - I sit up in my bed and thought "SHIT"

I forgot to answer a question.

I distinctly remember thinking "oh this question's easy, but it takes a while to write, so I'll come back to it. DON'T FORGET TO COME BACK TO IT."

So I finished the whole test, felt good about it, even DOUBLE CHECKED MY WORK, and STILL didn't answer that question.

ARRRRGH IT WAS A GIMME TOO.

I'm stupid.

I'm going to be one of those doctors who leaves scissors in your body after an operation.

So I taught children again today. It's arts and crafts day, so I got to help out and actually do some of the stuff. That was fun! Made me feel like a kid again. Though one of the kids was being a little bit whiny, but it's fine. So it was good.

I'm really worried about my MCATs. My scores just haven't been getting better. I also have a midterm tomorrow. I got my old midterm back - A minus. Eh.

I'm very sleepy, too. I'm constantly tired, I wondre if I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

I have a 12 page paper due next next monday.

I'm a sentimental douche:

So I'm flying back to Berkeley today. You know it's weird, cause over the past 3 years, I haven't really looked back at high school. Sure, I hung out with my friends, lost touch with some friends, then got back in touch, then lost touch with other people, etc etc.

Excuse me while I vomit out brie and cheddar. (in other words, CHEESE ahead)


And I think somewhere along the line at Cal, I lost myself. I forgot who I am, and I went back to the same self-deprecation and and self-loathing that I was so used to. I guess then I resorted a bit to having to put others down to put myself up. I'm not sure if I became someone that I wanted to be, but I think i'm going to turn around and do my best. I was always looking for the wrong things, and I never found what I wanted, and it isn't until it's too late when I figured out that what I was looking for was self-acceptance. Oh lord, that sounded like a recovering alcoholic's mantra. But I guess that's what I meant. I guess I'll try my best.


High school was good, so is college. So will everything that comes afterwards. When I think about it, nothing's as bad as it seemed at the moment. It's up to me to bring back what's good about me, and try to leave behind the insecurities and sheer idiocy. And try not to quit anything that I started, this time around.

I guess "no one can make me feel inferior unless they have my consent," or "when the world bites me, I need to bite them back" and I DO "have so much to offer" .

Haha, ok enough self affirmation. On with life.