Uncharacteristic optimism for the past month, what's going on?

My life's going well, as usual. MCAT's finally over, and although I don't think I did great, life's ok still. It's just one of many tests that I'll be taking, figurtively and literally I guess.

So my boss offered me a promotion and a raise (if she gets her grant *prays*). Haha, a month ago I thought they weren't even going to take me back nor write me a rec letter! Silly me. I guess I always assume the worst. (Sometimes I'm right! but not usually, thankfully).

I was talking about this with several of my friends recently... we're all: Excited for new things to happen. Kind of sad that we'll be leaving in a year. It went by so fast! The freshmen are so young! Were we ever like that? We all changed a LOT since we've first met/1st year. I'm worried about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I hope I figure it out.

-- and now, good old fashioned Jenny bitching

My downstairs neighbor was having domestic issues. At 1 AM in the morning I heard her screaming downstairs at someone in another language, then "I hate you! I loved you!" in English. Then hysterical sobbing. Then high pitched wailing. I hate to say it, and this'll sound horribly insensitive, but I kind of just wanted her to shut up. I really wanted to sleep, since I've only been getting 5 hours of sleep every night. Keep in mind that this was the girl who played loud techno at 3 AM in the morning all fall semester, yelled at me when I asked her to turn it down ("I can do whatever I want!"), and busted up me and Joey's house warming party for being too loud, can we say "hypocritical"? I mean, sucks, she must feel like crap, and it's a shitty feeling, but I can't muster much sympathy for someone with whom I've had such negative contact. Sorry, I'm not that much of a saint. So I stuck in some earplugs and fell asleep.

Actually, where I live, I always unintentionally end up listening to lots of breakup fights outside my apartment. Several times I've had a random girl cry hysterically outside my window, or I would hear an angry breakup conversation. My room is where relationships go to die. Still, it's interesting how people get so wrapped up that they don't realize that other people could be listening (or rather, forced to listen). I guess it can be pretty embarassing once you realize it.

DONE

Well, that's over. It went well, or okay. No surprises. Basically the same that I've been doing all along, so i kinda already know what to expect on the score. *knocks on wood for 5000th time*

Funny thing tho, before my one hour lunch break, the proctor said "for the next section, black pens ONLY." So I was like yeah, whatever, but during lunch I checked my bag for black pens.

I found only blue pens.
Fuck.
AH! Found a black pen... no ink.
Fuck.
Student store was closed.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Later: Found black pen, crisis averted.

Sorry that was the most exciting thing that happened.

Other than that:

Thanks to everyone for even just wishing me good luck. It meant a lot, I know it sounds stupid, but it did make me feel more confident. I was surprised at how many people actually said something at all. And obviously thanks to my best friends for pep talks, driving me around, and keeping me from freaking out.

This is sentimental of me, but my friends are really giving people, and I think I take that for granted sometimes.

Thank you.

Alright, I sound like an Oscar acceptance speech. I'm going to go before they cut to the commerical break now.

Reflecting:

Wow, I'm really happy, evne though my MCAT's on Saturday. My scores aren't where I want them to be, but I guess that's the best I can do, and what can ya ask for? For some reason, I'm strangely content with life. Again. I mean, I'm stressed, but happy. Shrug!

Got all my recommendations in (almost), that's sweet. I even got someone offering to write me one out of the blue! Ain't that awesome?

I chatted w/ my volunteering supervisor for like an hour today. I haven't been that excited discussing something with someone for a while - I was almost late meeting my prof because of it. We talked about racism, prejudice within the same race, med school, socially incompetant PhD candidates, hypersexualized culture, learning disabilities, funding, class divide... yeah, it went EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I forget how much I ramble, and how much I liked hearing other people's opinions.

Grade-wise, the midterm I bitched about a few weeks back (about missing that problem), turned out I got a 94-95%. That was one of 2 things I missed on the test. Wow! That turned out nicely.

Not sure if I'll have time this summer for video games. Hopefully I won't, actually, cause it'll mean I'm busy, and I like being busy. I like stress. That's what I realized. I like thinking "shit, I should go without food tonight because I need to study" or "I have no time to unwind." (that way, when you actually do unwind, it's like heaven). I like stress! I'm a stress puppy.

I need to buy:
toothpaste
toilet paper (we've been using tissues, sadly)
printer paper
do laundry (ok fine, it's not something to buy)
conditioner
power bars for sat.

I've bitten off more than I can chew, but,
Can I have a slice of lime with that?

Ohhhh Jenny's not allowed to post late night ramblings anymore.

Wow I just felt my shoulder (where I'm hurtin),

it's SO swollen.

I can't even feel my bone (I can feel it on the other side).

So MCAT is coming up in little more than a week. A little stressed.

Things are going well, in the sense that nothing's really happening, but med school applications, MCATs etc etc all coming up, it's very stressful but at the same time it's really exciting.

This summer's gunna be rad cause nearly all of my friends will be up here. It should be cool.

Currently ants have infiltrated my room, and they need to be taken care of. I spray them to death with windex.

I didn't get any work done tonight, cause I kept on finding excuses to distract myself.

My back's REALLY messed up. It hurts to move, sometimes.

I have 6 pages of my 12 page paper done. GO JENNY CHEN GO GO.

Psh. Whatever. weren't worth half a dime. :) Otherwise known as a nickel.

So riduculously stressed right now, but not going to write my problems down cause that'll only cause me to stress further and make me look like a whiny bitch.

Instead, i'm going to praise the lawd for such a great life.

I killed a two flies today -very proud of myself as a fly murderer.

I've also killed serveral hundred ants with windex.

...

I've come to terms with my awkwardness. Now I'll just wait until the rest of the world does. :) I'll be waiting a while.

Jen "I make people uncomfortable" Chen

So I graded some of my own practice MCATs today... I think I did ok. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can pull it up even more :)

It's kinda funny, actually, I look at the difficulty guide of the questions, and, of the questions I miss, I almost always only miss "easy" and "medium" and I almost never miss a hard question. (the test is mostly medium's and hard's). This reminds me of just how I am on normal tests too ever since I started taking tests, I always missed the "DUH" questions. That's kind how I am in life, too, but I blame that on my social incompetence.

I'm not big on common sense, as many of you may know.

I've been reading a lot too, mostly just fun stuff by Augusten Burroughs and graphic novels (yeah, whatever. Judge all you like). But I think maybe next semester, or over the summer, I think maybe I'll tackle Ulysses or something hard to read.

Summer looks good. I got my old job back at UCSF with the same awesome people; I probably will go backpacking a lot (hopefully) with Alex and Brenden (I'm holding you guys to it), and some canoeing too, maybe with coworkers or friends. I'll be applying to med school, assuming everything goes well, although I still have to ask my professors. GULP. (And I have to come up with a meaningful personal statement - eeeeee). I'll also be taking an acting class too! Imagine that. Me.

Of course, if I have time... You know what time it is....
KINGDOM HEARTS II TIME! VIDEO GAMES VIDEO GAMES VIDEO GAMES! TO HELL WITH A SOCIAL LIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have no idea how distraught I was when I walked by EB Games and saw all these awesome games out, but I can't play them because I'm so damn busy.

Good mood. Brunch now.

ARGH

So I finished taking a midterm this morning. Felt pretty good about it - pretty confident.

about an hour ago, I took a nap. Then all of the sudden - I sit up in my bed and thought "SHIT"

I forgot to answer a question.

I distinctly remember thinking "oh this question's easy, but it takes a while to write, so I'll come back to it. DON'T FORGET TO COME BACK TO IT."

So I finished the whole test, felt good about it, even DOUBLE CHECKED MY WORK, and STILL didn't answer that question.

ARRRRGH IT WAS A GIMME TOO.

I'm stupid.

I'm going to be one of those doctors who leaves scissors in your body after an operation.

So I taught children again today. It's arts and crafts day, so I got to help out and actually do some of the stuff. That was fun! Made me feel like a kid again. Though one of the kids was being a little bit whiny, but it's fine. So it was good.

I'm really worried about my MCATs. My scores just haven't been getting better. I also have a midterm tomorrow. I got my old midterm back - A minus. Eh.

I'm very sleepy, too. I'm constantly tired, I wondre if I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

I have a 12 page paper due next next monday.

I'm a sentimental douche:

So I'm flying back to Berkeley today. You know it's weird, cause over the past 3 years, I haven't really looked back at high school. Sure, I hung out with my friends, lost touch with some friends, then got back in touch, then lost touch with other people, etc etc.

Excuse me while I vomit out brie and cheddar. (in other words, CHEESE ahead)


And I think somewhere along the line at Cal, I lost myself. I forgot who I am, and I went back to the same self-deprecation and and self-loathing that I was so used to. I guess then I resorted a bit to having to put others down to put myself up. I'm not sure if I became someone that I wanted to be, but I think i'm going to turn around and do my best. I was always looking for the wrong things, and I never found what I wanted, and it isn't until it's too late when I figured out that what I was looking for was self-acceptance. Oh lord, that sounded like a recovering alcoholic's mantra. But I guess that's what I meant. I guess I'll try my best.


High school was good, so is college. So will everything that comes afterwards. When I think about it, nothing's as bad as it seemed at the moment. It's up to me to bring back what's good about me, and try to leave behind the insecurities and sheer idiocy. And try not to quit anything that I started, this time around.

I guess "no one can make me feel inferior unless they have my consent," or "when the world bites me, I need to bite them back" and I DO "have so much to offer" .

Haha, ok enough self affirmation. On with life.